Sept 1 2019
Written in 2022:
I didn’t actually consider drawing nudes/sexy stuff until late in the game, when I realized that I am a grown adult and I can, in fact, draw porn. Sex and sex-related things still had an air of forbidden-ness to it in a way— not the discussion, but the consumption and the actions. The bedroom was more or less dead, and I kept most of my consumption of smut toned down. I very much supported smut (Smut Peddler, anyone?) but at the same time I didn’t want to be caught reading my own books, or writing it, or thinking about it, not until I started realizing I can be a sexual person again.
It’s almost a paradox, my experiences with sexuality— I had the Bad Experience ™ as a child, and never really coped with that and ended up just drowning in sexuality until my marriage in 2014. It felt that I was slowly having that part of me stripped away.
I don’t know that my wife was ever into me, and I think about the whole relationship once in a while. Did she feel that her hand was forced? Was she as hesitant as me to keep on? Did she feel stuck with me? I don’t think I ever really felt that attractive with her, not during my prime and certainly not after I got sick. Loved at times, yes, but… I wonder.