Nov 6 2019
Written in 2022:
One of those random phrases that haunt me after I left for real was, “You could have done all that here.” Referring to the daily walks I took when I moved to CA.
Well, I did do it a lot. I did go out walking and go out on my own. But oftentimes I would have a hanger-on, or I was too sick to recover very well, and I didn’t feel… encouraged. I was in a lot more pain in Canada and my symptoms needed time to withdraw.
I was also more… scared in Canada. There was this weird unknowable force, a hesitation that held me at home, and when I left, I somehow felt like I was doing something wrong. When people ask me about it, I describe it as agoraphobia, because it’s the easiest way to describe it. The feeling didn’t begin to abate until after I went to CA and was very bluntly told by my dad, “You’re an adult. You can do what you want.”
And I was like… what?! I. I can do what I want! I don’t have to ask permission from anyone to do things! I don’t have to check in a dozen times and ask about everything and I can just! Do it!