Not Ready Yet
Fingers through his hair, a cozy lap to rest his head. Charlie stares up at Thandi. This is where he wants to be. He should say it. He’s got to say it.
She runs her fingers through his hair again and he reaches up to take her hand. Thandi pauses in her reading and looks down at him. The look she sees is the usual: so filled with adoration that it makes her blush just looking at his face.
He kisses her palm, kisses the ring on her finger. “Thandi.”
Again, she blinks at him, expecting him to go on. Instead, he holds her hand to his lips and struggles a bit. Oh, no.
“Thandi, you are…”
His heart is going nuts. She can see him slowly reddening, but for once he isn’t crying. He looks up at her from her lap, hair mussed, eyes sincere. On some level, it’s frightening. Something threatening to change in her world.
“…you are…I. I lo…I lo–“
She covers his mouth. He looks confused, a little scared, a reflection of her own expression.
“Ch-Charlie, you’re being…weird. Are you okay?”
A brow rises. His eyes flick to her hand and she yanks it away with an apologetic laugh. “Yeah, I’m. I’m okay. Are you…?”
“Oh! Oh, just fine. As you were. You loathe me?”
“No, I–“
The look on her face is genuine fear.
It starts clicking. What if he doesn’t hang around quite so much? What if he says so and then he regrets it and things change? What if their lives pull apart because of all the expectations he would have for her on top of her studies? What if this isn’t enough?
What if he finds out that he doesn’t really…?
Charlie sits up, wiping her eyes with an unrolled sleeve. Worry encompasses his expression as he closes the book she’s reading and puts it aside, pulling her to him in a tight hug. He kisses her forehead and rocks, soothing her.
“You’re right. I do. You’re the worst and you deserve so much more than this. As…punishment.”
Thandi clings to him, sniffling. She knows. She just doesn’t want it to change. Not when they only have a few months left of sixth year and barely another year until she leaves. For good. No one but her knows.
More kisses, more hugs. She breathes in that spicy mint smell. Shampoo and herbs that seem to cling to his skin. She lets him hold her for a long time, occasionally shifting to kiss his jaw as he holds her. Other students pass them by, used to this. Used to him clinging onto her and trying to protect her from everything.
She’s not ready for the world at large yet. There’s so much. Even though he could be obnoxious, even though he clings, he treats her like she’s the only one in the world and no one could take her from him.
What will she do without that stability?
Change…is for later.